Redemption

Last night at bible study I attempted to convey what I got out of a certain topic that was brought up during the study. Oddly enough, I was actually to choked up to even speak, let alone make coherent sense. I'm sure nobody else has spent all day thinking about the blubbering mess I was last night, but I did! I even had to pull over in my car to scribble down in my journal what it was I actually did want to say because at least to me, it was important. Here's what got scribbled....


Okay, I have to clarify my point about redemption from last night because what I said made no sense to me and I couldn't manage to get out what I was trying to say and its been bugging me all day. I'm not usually at a loss for words or to over come to even talk. I was hit by Beth Moore's point about FULL redemption, not partial, not God will duct tape me back together but I won't ever really be whole again. He wants to restore me to my ORIGINAL self, full and complete, not a mere shadow of the girl I once was. God isn't going to forgive me, put me back together, but leave that unbearable hurt behind. He wants to take that away too. Now, I've known for 16 years that I was forgiven. In this situation nobody else here on earth was hurt except me, so I have no one to ask forgiveness of, no tangable result of my actions that I can set about fixing. Obviously life has gone on, God has blessed me and I've been through other struggles. But every year I'm an emotional mess as April 5th approaches. After a while I just began to think that the hurt I feel every day, but more acutely at this time of year was just the consiquences of my actions 16 years ago and I was just going to have to live with it. But Beth M's points about God not keeping a storage unit full of our past sins and wants to FULLY ransom me from that captivity made me realize that I don't have to keep holding on to that hurt, He wants to heal that part of me too. Now I have no clue how that is actually supposed to happen (any suggestions would be greatly helpful) it took me 16 darn years just to get the point. But the hope that it brought me was almost like cool water to my soul, and it obviously moved me.


See, I put together a coherent thought while crying!